My husband has been clean and sober for 9 days today. He is an alcoholic and an addict. He goes on drinking or drug binges once or twice a week or so. He is working to stay sober. He is going to meetings, started going to church again, and yesterday started seeing an addiction counselor. But this post is not about him; it is about me. It is about the person on the other end of an addiction - the person left at home.
Through the last year or two I have slowly been broken down by the addiction and the addict. I have been broken mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Nine days ago, he left on a binge and was gone for three days. Yet again, I felt that I could not take one more relapse, one more day or night wondering where he was and what to do. Of course I want to help him get clean in any way I can, but I also know my most important job is to protect my daughters and myself. He never comes home drunk or high. He stays gone and sulks back the next day. How many times have a questioned whether to leave him? Too many to count. How many "discussions" have we had the day after about how we can prevent it from happening again? How many promises have been broken?
I cannot decide if I am an incredibly strong person for staying or an incredibly weak person. This is what I do know. I know that I want to give my daughters the chance to have and know their father. I want to give myself the chance to grow old with the love of my life. Because even with all of the pain I have endured, I know what this man wants to be and what he can be. I have seen it in him. So, here I remain praying with all my might that he can beat it, that he can win. Because if he wins, so do we.
2 comments:
I wish you a lot of strength, Amy! I can't imagine what you must be going through, and I hope that your husband will kick the habit once and for all. You and your girls deserve it.
Amy, my prayers are with you. shout out if you need a shoulder.
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