Living with an Addict - Part 2

So the relapse continues...

Monday night, my husband left and didn't return till Tuesday evening. He stole about $500 to go on this binge, bringing the total to a whopping $2500 in the last month to month-and-a-half or so. Why am I concentrating on the money aspect? Well, because that is what sends me over the edge. I STAYED on the phone with the bank on Tuesday trying to block the card he had (that I did not know about). Finally, it worked out, but the damage was done. I hate that I am treated with such disrespect and lied to over and over. But, to have him steal from me and our family? That is the worst right now. Since I am still on maternity leave and have no income, we just can't afford this kind of damage.

Upon his return, he assumed he was not staying (since I had packed all of his belongings). I wanted to talk before that door was closed forever. I wanted him to convince me that he could do it. That he was going to give it everything he had in order to remain a member of our family. That we were important enough to him for that. Well, he just didn't convince me. I don't know what he could have said to convince me, but I just wanted to feel important to him. Like he would choose me and our daughters over drugs and alcohol once and for all. I just don't think he can say that at this point.

He is pretty much on lockdown to work and the house with no access to money at all. Does that mean, he can't find a way? Of course not. There are no guarantees. Not even close. I know that unless I feel like he is putting EVERYTHING he has left into this and I feel like we are the most important thing to him, I am done. It is no longer worth it to me at that point. I just think he no longer knows what to do and he is giving up. It angers and saddens me that he is the one that gets to make that call.

I hate being lied to, I hate feeling last in line of things that are important to him, I HATE watching him drain our bank accounts. I think that is what is going to make me draw the line. He is beginning to affect the girls emotionally and I won't let that continue, but financially I can't let him cripple us and that will probably be what ends it.

I have read a lot of material both online and in books about living with addicts and probably 85% of the people end up having to leave. I didn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to make it work. I had people in message boards tell me that I was probably going to need to get out and that they recommend doing it sooner rather than later. My brain totally agrees and has for a long time now, but man...I can't get my heart to go along with that, even though it gets broken all of the time. What is up with that?