Living With An Addict - Part 3

Well, as my husband continues to relapse with alcohol from time to time, it was recommended to me that I begin to attend Al-Anon meetings. So far, I have not been able to make it to a face to face meeting, but I have joined an online meeting and so far it has been very helpful. I realize that I cannot control anyone but myself, especially not an alcoholic/addict. I also cannot rely on anyone but myself to make me happy. So, I am starting my path to serenity. I am trying to remove his chaos from my life (and the lives of the smaller two). I will not try to control him. I will keep a peaceful house. He can either choose to join us in serenity or remain alone in chaos. That is what I can do for all of us to show my love for myself, my kids, and my husband.

Living with an Addict - Part 2

So the relapse continues...

Monday night, my husband left and didn't return till Tuesday evening. He stole about $500 to go on this binge, bringing the total to a whopping $2500 in the last month to month-and-a-half or so. Why am I concentrating on the money aspect? Well, because that is what sends me over the edge. I STAYED on the phone with the bank on Tuesday trying to block the card he had (that I did not know about). Finally, it worked out, but the damage was done. I hate that I am treated with such disrespect and lied to over and over. But, to have him steal from me and our family? That is the worst right now. Since I am still on maternity leave and have no income, we just can't afford this kind of damage.

Upon his return, he assumed he was not staying (since I had packed all of his belongings). I wanted to talk before that door was closed forever. I wanted him to convince me that he could do it. That he was going to give it everything he had in order to remain a member of our family. That we were important enough to him for that. Well, he just didn't convince me. I don't know what he could have said to convince me, but I just wanted to feel important to him. Like he would choose me and our daughters over drugs and alcohol once and for all. I just don't think he can say that at this point.

He is pretty much on lockdown to work and the house with no access to money at all. Does that mean, he can't find a way? Of course not. There are no guarantees. Not even close. I know that unless I feel like he is putting EVERYTHING he has left into this and I feel like we are the most important thing to him, I am done. It is no longer worth it to me at that point. I just think he no longer knows what to do and he is giving up. It angers and saddens me that he is the one that gets to make that call.

I hate being lied to, I hate feeling last in line of things that are important to him, I HATE watching him drain our bank accounts. I think that is what is going to make me draw the line. He is beginning to affect the girls emotionally and I won't let that continue, but financially I can't let him cripple us and that will probably be what ends it.

I have read a lot of material both online and in books about living with addicts and probably 85% of the people end up having to leave. I didn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to make it work. I had people in message boards tell me that I was probably going to need to get out and that they recommend doing it sooner rather than later. My brain totally agrees and has for a long time now, but man...I can't get my heart to go along with that, even though it gets broken all of the time. What is up with that?

Living with an Addict

My husband has been clean and sober for 9 days today. He is an alcoholic and an addict. He goes on drinking or drug binges once or twice a week or so. He is working to stay sober. He is going to meetings, started going to church again, and yesterday started seeing an addiction counselor. But this post is not about him; it is about me. It is about the person on the other end of an addiction - the person left at home.

Through the last year or two I have slowly been broken down by the addiction and the addict. I have been broken mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Nine days ago, he left on a binge and was gone for three days. Yet again, I felt that I could not take one more relapse, one more day or night wondering where he was and what to do. Of course I want to help him get clean in any way I can, but I also know my most important job is to protect my daughters and myself. He never comes home drunk or high. He stays gone and sulks back the next day. How many times have a questioned whether to leave him? Too many to count. How many "discussions" have we had the day after about how we can prevent it from happening again? How many promises have been broken?

I cannot decide if I am an incredibly strong person for staying or an incredibly weak person. This is what I do know. I know that I want to give my daughters the chance to have and know their father. I want to give myself the chance to grow old with the love of my life. Because even with all of the pain I have endured, I know what this man wants to be and what he can be. I have seen it in him. So, here I remain praying with all my might that he can beat it, that he can win. Because if he wins, so do we.